Once upon a time, I couldn’t wait to turn fifty. I really thought I would have my sh*t together by now, but I don’t. And I don’t know that I ever will.
It may sound like a grim beginning, but ultimately, this is a story of hope.
If you feel like you are “behind” in your midlife, you are not alone.
I’ve started this podcast as an art project to work through how to rewire my brain after decades of brainwashing, codependency, trauma, and just good old fashioned poor decisions. I’m not here to “fix” or “help” anyone. I just want to share my story. If I inspire others and find a community along the way, all the better!
It’s my goal to prove to myself that it’s never too late to take a different road, when your current path feels like it’s leading you nowhere.
It all begins here with episode one.
Consider this my prologue… 🙏🏻😌Unf*cked Quote of the Day:“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost.” ~J.R.R. TolkienSpecial Note: If you’ve been here before, you’ll recognize the writing from the first blog I ever posted here. If you’re brand-new, this episode will be… well, brand new!If you like what you see/hear, please consider subscribing to my YouTube Channel, Spotify, or both! Most of my podcasts will be video, although I would imagine some will be audio only. Also, please consider following me on social media?
Recurring topics will include codependency, addiction recovery, sustainable/sane wellness, art/music/film therapy, pop culture commentary, deconstructing fundamentalist evangelical mind f*ckery, philosophy, and whatever else is gnawing at my brain. Here’s my LinkTree – I’d love to hang out with you! 🍎🐍🖤
Thank you so much for being part of this new discovery and recovery process!
Once upon a time, I couldn’t wait to turn fifty.
Back in the early to mid-nineties, most of my role models were in their fifties.
These forces of nature and nurture ranged from small business owners to corporate power-suits; marital teams who’d achieved domestic deification (sex-lives intact); LGBTQA+ artists brave enough to live their truths underground, unaware they were paving a yellow-bricked road to a rainbow future. From religious leaders in thriving churches, to the lifestyles of the rich and famous.
My teachers, my coworkers, my castmates, my bosses, my boss’s bosses, my friends’ parents, my own parents, my aunts and uncles, and friends of the family that I’d considered family.
They’d put in some real f*cking work, and by their fifties, had arrived at this magical place of ability and stability. They just seemed so… confident. Secure. Functional. From the outside looking in, I had concluded that these midlife unicorns, worthy of admiration and emulation truly had their shit together.
God, I can’t wait to be fifty.
But when you don’t exactly see the entire picture, it’s tinted in a bright and cheery shade of rose, until it isn’t. Magical thinking is a beautiful, messed up survival mechanism that can keep you in a bubble of your own making. And then…? What happens when the true colors start to set in?
Well, I’ve got some good news and some difficult news about that…
Over time, as the child-adult gap decreases, and you become the adult in the room too, the secrets unravel and the unf*cking begins. “Did you know that she had three miscarriages by the time she had X?” “Did you know that he had an affair and they were sleeping in separate rooms for two years?” “Did you know that we were desperately poor?” “Did you know?” “Did you know?”
Our role models suffered. A fuck ton. But they didn’t show it because they felt like they had to protect us. So we grew up thinking that there’s some kind of magic happening in a future self somewhere. Then, when that future self never shows up, who the fuck are we anyway?
That’s what I’m here to find out: once the magical thinking is gone, once the bubble has burst, once the programming has short-circuited, who the fuck am I anyway?
I thought I would know by now, but I don’t. Maybe I never will.
Or maybe, just maybe, I will figure it out. All of it? Some of it? Most of it?
As of today, I have no idea…
What I do know is that I will be documenting this process on the gods-forsaken internet.
*devilish grins* 😈🖤
Hi, I’m Jaye, and I’m here to unf*ck myself.
Unf*cked Quote of the Day:
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost.”J.R.R. Tolkien
So tell me, internet: is everything f*cked for you right now too? How do you feel when you look at my generation (Gen-X)? Do we look like we have our shit together, or are we just all a bunch of big kids who’ve lost our way? What are the biggest areas you’re working on in life right now? Or are you cool with just TikTokking it all out and calling it a day? Introduce yourself! I may not be here to help you in a codependent way, but I’d love to get to know you and share our stories. 😍